There’s a phenomenon I’ve been noticing more and more, especially in women who, like me, have the privilege of education, resources and choice. It’s something I’ve come to call the “gratitude trap,” and it’s trapping the power and potential of a generation of women.
The mission to unlock this power motivated me to create women’s groups, courses and retreats that address this very issue. I’ve sat with thousands of women who share the same stories and obstacles, and together we’ve dismantled our conditioning and created empowerment and freedom.
Let me explain.
In my mid-30s, I was living a charmed life. I had a beautiful home, a loving spouse, financial abundance and five healthy children. On paper, everything was perfect. I had everything I had ever wanted, and, frankly, more than most people could dream of. But something felt off.
Every time I acknowledged that nagging feeling, I immediately shut it down. How could I indulge in that sense of dissatisfaction when I had so much to be thankful for? Waves of guilt would wash over me. I understood on a profound level the privileged life that I was leading. Who was I to complain when others had it so much worse? To make myself feel better, I’d count my blessings. I’d remind myself that I had a life so many would envy. “Keep it all in perspective,” I’d say to myself. Gratitude seemed the perfect antidote to these selfish and indulgent feelings.
But here’s the thing: no matter how many gratitude lists I wrote or how many times I tried to refocus on all the good in my life, that inkling wouldn’t go away. Over time, it grew louder, turning from a whisper to a scream until it was impossible to ignore. I felt like I was simply sleepwalking through life. My days blurred together, and I found myself just going through the motions. I couldn’t even find joy in my children anymore. Little things irritated me, and I started feeling distant from my husband.
But when I tried to figure out what was wrong, I couldn’t find anything to “complain” about. My husband was supportive and caring. I had the incredible luxury of not having to work, and I had help with the kids and the house. I was insanely lucky. Whenever the feeling of dissatisfaction arose, I’d push it down, telling myself again how selfish and ungrateful I was being. “So many people would kill for my life,” I thought. And yet, that nagging voice kept asking, “Is this all there is?”
Is this all there is?
For a long time, I was paralyzed from exploring that question. I thought that ignoring the inkling that something was off was honoring the many people who didn’t have the choice to contemplate my “champagne problems.”
I was firmly stuck in the “gratitude trap”, and it was neither serving me nor anyone else.
What is the gratitude trap?
The gratitude trap is the belief that you can’t be grateful for what you have and still be unsatisfied and want more. Whenever those inklings arise that your life is not the life you want to be living, you use gratitude to push them away. This trap keeps us small, paralyzes us with guilt, and stops us from reaching for what truly fulfills us. It whispers, “You should be happy with what you have,” making it feel inappropriate or indulgent to acknowledge any dissatisfaction or desire for more.
It’s no wonder that so many women feel guilty for even admitting that something is missing in their lives. In my women’s groups, I’ve heard countless women express feelings of disconnect and unfulfillment, only to quickly backtrack and apologize for having these feelings. The pattern is almost universal: every brave admission of struggle is followed by a qualifier, an apology, or an expression of gratitude.
“As a mother I feel invisible and exhausted. I don’t even know what I would do for fun any more because I’ve just been on the back burner for so long,” one woman shared. “But of course I love my kids and I’m so lucky that they are healthy.” She immediately diminishes her own pain with gratitude.
Does this sound familiar?
“I feel like my husband doesn’t value what I contribute. I’m killing myself taking care of the kids, but he just doesn’t see how hard it is. He asks me what I do all day.” A collective groan arises from the other participants’ in the mother’s group which elicits an immediate qualification: “But he’s a really good guy and a great dad and I know he loves me and I know I’m really lucky to have him.” Complaining feels ungrateful, so she quickly shuts it down.
Why gratitude can hold us back
Here’s the thing: you can be deeply grateful for what you have and still want more. We can hold two different and seemingly conflicting thoughts at the same time.
The key to breaking through the gratitude trap is the realization that gratitude and dissatisfaction are not in conflict with each other.
There is a significant difference between shaming your struggles away and putting them in perspective. Shaming them away sounds like this: “You have so much. How dare you feel sad, frustrated, or unfulfilled when others have it so much worse?” It keeps you stuck, paralyzed by guilt.
On the other hand, when we say, “I have the right to feel what I’m feeling, and I also recognize the privileges I have,” we’re no longer choosing between gratitude and desire, we are honoring both. When we break free of the paralysis of the gratitude trap, we can step into the freedom and responsibility that privilege carries and fully own our power.
Breaking free from the gratitude trap
So how do we break free?
First, we have to listen to that inner voice—the one whispering that something’s not right. If we ignore it, it will only grow louder. I ignored mine for years, and it became an inner scream. But once I listened to it, I realized that wanting more wasn’t selfish. It was a path to a more fulfilling and impactful life. It unleashed my creative energy, unlocking the power of my privilege for good.
As mothers especially, we need to stop using gratitude to silence our needs and desires.
Gratitude should keep us grounded, but it shouldn’t be used to suppress the inconvenient truths that bubble up inside of us. If we listen to that inner voice, we unlock our potential not just for ourselves, but for the world. Our joy, creativity and passion have a ripple effect that touches everyone around us, especially our children.
If you feel trapped, if you’ve been shaming yourself for wanting more, know this: We can acknowledge our privileges and still want more. Your inner voice deserves to be heard. Let’s dismantle the gratitude trap together—because we owe it to ourselves, and to the world.
Dismantling the gratitude trap
If you’re interested in starting to cultivate a relationship with your inner voice and dismantle the gratitude trap, here is a simple but powerful practice that you can use on a daily basis:
Ask yourself (I find journaling on these questions is incredibly valuable to ensure you’re feeling connected to yourself on a daily basis, even amidst the chaos):
- How do I feel?
- What do I need?
- What do I want?
If the answer when you ask yourself this question is: “I don’t have a clue!” don’t worry! You’re not doing it wrong. Just the asking of the question will start to create shifts for you. When you ask “how do I feel?” you are acknowledging that how you feel matters. That is the first step, and it can start a revolution.
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